Today, i pulled a giant prank on my sister, and was saying that the person i was pretending to be was going to rob the house. She left and i turned all the lights off and she thought we got robbed. She called the cops, there was 10, they handcuffed me and thought i was the robber, FML

Today, I learned to never masturbate and smoke a cigarette at the same time. I learned from experience. FML.

Today, my girl friend told me she was going to "fuck the shit out of me". I guess she wasn't kidding. Fml

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed". FML

Today, I found $6.00 in my daughters shorts. My two year old has more cash than I do. FML

Today, I found out that my job where I assistant teach ballet to 2-14 year olds doesn't pay. These children like to pee on the floor. FML

Today, I feel my boyfriend is kind of shy, sensitive, and gets terribly embarrassed easily. So I have to ignore the big brown skidmarks on his side of the bed that I noticed on our white sheets last night.