Today, i pulled a giant prank on my sister, and was saying that the person i was pretending to be was going to rob the house. She left and i turned all the lights off and she thought we got robbed. She called the cops, there was 10, they handcuffed me and thought i was the robber, FML

Today, I learned to never masturbate and smoke a cigarette at the same time. I learned from experience. FML.

Today, my girl friend told me she was going to "fuck the shit out of me". I guess she wasn't kidding. Fml

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed". FML

Today, I found $6.00 in my daughters shorts. My two year old has more cash than I do. FML

Today, I found out that my job where I assistant teach ballet to 2-14 year olds doesn't pay. These children like to pee on the floor. FML

Today, I feel my boyfriend is kind of shy, sensitive, and gets terribly embarrassed easily. So I have to ignore the big brown skidmarks on his side of the bed that I noticed on our white sheets last night.

Today, I was searching a hunter ambush with my gf to make love in it. First we found a full equiped ambush with comfortable chairs. It was great until the wasps woke up from their nest. When we finally found another one, and we were right in the midle of it, hunters came made us leave the place. FML

Today, I decided to give my mums boyfriend a chance after 4 years of his mood swings. I woke at 5am to use the toilet and he crept upstairs and screamed. I jumped back shouting aargh! And now he's telling everyone I went nooooo help me! And screamed for ages.FML

Today, I was driving with my window down because my brother and his friend had just came back from hockey practice and smelt really bad , I learnt that when your driving 70kph you can kill a moth with your face . FML

Today, I had to explain to an American that taking a photo of me

will not make it possible for them to listen to my accent whenever they want. It is a sad day for America and a sad day for mankind. FML

What my girlfriend told me, I disappointed me greatly

Today I decided enough was enough and decided to wear body hugging clothes to try and show off some muscles as a man. My girlfriend took one look at me and said, " I might go shopping with you, but will never go to bed with you"!! FML

My experience sex last night

Today, my boyfriend and I were staying the night at my parents' house. At about three o'clock in the morning, we went out to his car to have sex. It was too dark to find his keys, so we ended up having sex ON his car. Right as we were about to climax, a bug flew down my throat. Night ruined. FML

Today, I saw my neighbour's dog roaming the streets.

I was worried that he was going to get run over, so I lured him to the safety of my backyard. I'm now waiting at the doctor's for a rabies shot. FML.